Home / Relationships /

Alpha Female

I’m a guy. And I’m here to talk about my experience with the alpha female figure…

If you’re curious about what an alpha female might be defined by. And how they live their life. Then it’s important to consider the other end of the spectrum. That is, how a man might feel about your behavior.

Before we get into the subject, let me tell you… I am supportive of a woman’s choice in whatever direction they want to go, whether it’s about pursuing a career—or wanting to be a stay-at-home mom. I respect both. And in reality, we need to (as a society) treat both as a career.

If we believe that our young/youth are important (which they are), we should respect this figurehead of the household. Here’s the thing: a stay-at-home mom and a career mom can be an alpha female…

There's more to an alpha female than just being bossy.
There’s more to an alpha female than just being bossy.

So what is an alpha female, exactly? How should we define it?

We know what the term alpha male means, right? Think of it in reverse. Typically, in a relationship (or even in life). There are many definitions of an alpha female… that’s the reality. But some traits typically follow the behavior.

The alpha female will have some of the following characteristics:

  • Strong opinions that cannot be shaken or changed.
  • A bold amount of self-confidence.
  • Makes decisions for the family on their own accord.
  • Has strong values that they drive toward.
  • Believes strongly in equality or, even more so, their own power and influence (or good leadership, if you had to distill it down quite simply).

An alpha female, in short, is someone who has embraced her own abilities to lead. This can be leading all types of things.

Related: Alpha female weaknesses

A great alpha female will do the following

They will say to themselves (in their minds):

  • I believe strongly in myself and my purpose on this Earth.
  • My ability to influence a family strongly is of tremendous value.
  • There are many options for me. I have many talents and skills and am valued by others.

Those who maybe need a bit more “alpha” in their lives might say

Saying these things to themselves (in their minds):

  • There’s no one out there who values what I can provide…
  • I don’t feel valued by others…
  • There is a great sadness within me, and I’m missing something. I just can’t figure out exactly what it is.
You don't need to be bossy to be an alpha!
You don’t need to be bossy to be an alpha!

Are there drawbacks to being an alpha female? Well, yes, there are! I’m glad you asked…

Yes. There are plenty of pros to being an alpha female. Being comfortable in your own skin. Knowing how to take charge. And knowing when to speak up for yourself. These are things that you should practice, regardless of being considered “alpha” or not.

In today’s society, an alpha female is far more common than we might think. There’s such a thing as called “hyper-independent” women. Meaning that the “alpha female” has come out of the gate a little TOO strongly.

So much that they might even have some difficulties with relationships, and that’s what I’d like to cover today.

You could come across as pushy/egotistical—be careful!
You could come across as pushy/egotistical—be careful!

1. An alpha female and their male relationship

Here’s a harsh reality… You probably want a strong man in your household. Let me boil it down this way. Most women say they want “A bearded man who can fix things around the house.” This is kind of like their “fantasy man,” right?

Suppose there’s who alphas in a household. An alpha man and female, one of the two, will have to take a back seat.

Men in this type of household typically have a difficult time connecting. It’s the truth. Men, biologically, want a more docile woman who focuses on the family. That’s what’s attractive to them.

So what issues can this create:

  • Issues in the bedroom.
  • Low testosterone from your gentlemen.
  • Fighting back and forth as the two of you try to settle who is the “alpha”

Expert advice: Studies have suggested that hyper-independence can come from some type of influence as a young child. The question becomes, is this holding you back, or is it helping you? Are you seeking to be an “alpha” in a good way or a bad way? Read this research study to see the signs that might be telling you that you’re exuding hyper-independence rather than “alpha” behavior.

The "boss babe" mentality
The “boss babe” mentality

2. The alpha in the workplace can be a little strong

There’s another thing to consider here: you don’t need to “dominate” your colleagues. Although many “alpha women” do! Being an alpha does NOT mean that you have to show your power or strength over others.

The true alpha is someone who can influence and lead. If you historically look at the way that “alpha men” have been part of the storyline, this was the case. They didn’t exude power, and they showed the ability to influence.

This can create the following problems:

  • Changing jobs frequently (where’s the leadership in that when it comes to the household?).
  • Being difficult to work with inside the workplace.
  • Not obtaining the goals and outcomes that you were looking for in the first place.

Expert tip: There are a lot of recent studies that have taken a look at the alpha female figure. Some of them attempt to measure the impact of the alpha female (I like that type of study). While others look at how it could have both positive and negative effects on hormones! Yes, the way you behave will have an impact on the chemicals in your body!

3. Other women might be turned off by the alpha female

You’re most likely already in this situation. The women that you surround yourself with will have to be other women who identify with this type of persona. That’s not always a great thing.

Take it from me; I’ve been around women who have a difficult time connecting with other women who have complete families. I wouldn’t say that it’s a good influence.

And why did these women not have a complete and whole family? Go back to #1 if you want to get an idea of this. Often, the overpowering alpha female figure is the one who loses their family (increased divorces and more).

The alpha woman!
The alpha woman!

Here’s what might happen and what you’ll deal with:

  • Only being able to connect with hyper-independent women.
  • Connecting with women who aren’t exactly the “best” influences (and maybe not even realizing that they are).
  • Being prone to bad behaviors (like going out to bars in your older years, etc.)

Expert advice: Before you go changing yourself (maybe you’re an alpha today, or maybe you’re not)—try to get an objective look at how other women have succeeded and failed with this. It’s really important to realize that there is A LOT OF POWER in being a supportive and “docile” figure. My own personal opinion and experience are that this is a misconception in today’s culture and society.

Related: How to become an alpha female

4. Going too late into your life and not having children

Don’t take it from me, and there’s lots of people you can talk to who don’t have children. Biologically, this is the main reason that we are on this earth, to reproduce. If you don’t agree with that, I guess you haven’t looked outside your window and witnessed every animal and everything on this earth reproducing.

From birds to trees—everything is here to cultivate, evolve, and grow.

If you walk away from that effort, the likelihood of you feeling happy is… Not good. Again, don’t take my word for it. Why not ask the advice of elder women who don’t have children? Ask them how they’ve felt about it.

The issues with the alpha female and childbearing:

  • A lot of men don’t want to be stay-at-home dads (while this is a new concept and some men enjoy it—there is nothing wrong with it!). Do YOU, the woman, want that man? Again, this goes back to you wanting that “axe-throwing burley man,” right?
  • Will you have time to do it? If you focus too strongly on your career, your relationship at home could start to dwindle down and turn into nothing. This isn’t my opinion, remember that people in New York are having children much later and “egg-freezing” businesses are booming in the United States! These are just the facts!

Expert advice: I’ve been discussing the risks (mostly) in this article. And there are a few fantastic studies to take a look at. For example, that breadwinner women are more likely to quit their jobs when they experience issues in the household. Why does this matter? Well… it’s not exactly the right position or “setup” for a lot of people and families. Again, I leave it up to you to decide. You’re most likely a woman reading this article. My advice is to talk to others and make the right decision for you, based on facts and evidence—not social media!

See also: Nicknames for your boyfriend

5. Difficulty connecting with their mothers (if they’re different)

The reality is that our parents come from a different generation and background. Many people don’t really get why previous generations focused so heavily on the traditional family household. Here’s something to remember: they were immigrants, most likely…

The immigrant families that came to the United States brought with them a set of their own values and beliefs on how the family should work. Yes—some women were not happy with that (queue the 1960s civil rights movements and more).

But if you’re mom is still “old-fashioned” in your eyes, she might not really understand what you’re doing with your life. I can guarantee that some of you are reading this and realizing—wow that’s true!

Here’s what you can do:

  • Talk to your mom in an authentic way and ask for her opinion on your life. For example, ask the simple question, “Do you think I should be prioritizing finding a man in my life? Or am I doing something that you don’t think is going to help me get the results in my life that I deserve?”
  • Ask yourself a few questions like, “Am I being different from my parent in a good way? Or am I doing it just because I want to be different?” That seems like a healthy question.
"Boss babe" mentality might not always be good!
“Boss babe” mentality might not always be good!

Here are my suggestions for being a “good” alpha female (the benefits, finally!)…

Who wants to take a suggestion from a man, these days?! Well, you probably should. Because here’s the thing. The trick for me, at least—is knowing when and where to use the “alpha” nature.

For example, don’t we always talk about “toxic masculinity” in today’s world? We know the characteristics of that without even having to list them, right?

Don’t be that in reverse!

It’s not about dominating others or showing power over others. Instead, my suggestion is to take a look at how to influence others using your own personality. To me, that’s what defines a great “alpha” figure, regardless.

Because there’s a fine line between “alpha” and egotistical.

Related: What does it mean when she calls you daddy?

Who is the alpha!?
Who is the alpha!?

Okay, but I want to be a woman of power in the workplace

That’s great, do it. But remember that you might have to switch roles when you get home. Be someone at work that you aren’t when you get home. Men have to do this, as well. Take for example, if your husband treated you like an employee at work—you’d hate it!

Is it okay that I want to be a stay-at-home mom and an “alpha?”

Of course, this is great. And is something that our society should praise. All you have to do is to find a gentleman or a partner that values this. They need to see and value what you bring to the table.

It would be things like the following:

  • Making plans for the family.
  • Bringing the family together (think family dinner nights).
  • Decorating the home for the holidays (this is important—don’t you want the kids to have a memorable holiday as you had?)
  • Supporting him so he can support you (the key here is that he’s supporting you and not leaving you in the dust—that seems self-centered and arrogant)

Expert advice: There’s been a drastic rise of narcissism and narcissistic traits in the United States. Like, a lot of it! These traits will never serve any alpha/beta relationship well. Because there’s no equality. All we are doing here is striving for equality—on both sides—remember that!

How to become an even better alpha female…

Here are some really simple tips to follow on how to become an even better alpha, in whatever way that looks to you (remember: it doesn’t have to mean that it’s simply career advancement).

  • Find mentorship: It’s important to connect with other women who are like-minded. And avoid the mistake that they made.
  • Seek out challenges: Always challenge yourself and look for growth.
  • Find new opportunities: Know your strengths and pursue opportunities that reflect them.
  • Know you’re being helpful: Know that you can help people. If you’re being sought out as a “woman that can help,” then you’re turning into the mentor.
  • Seek out ways to help: Go out of your way to be a strong figurehead. Help strangers, other families, or children. This is a great way to be a strong and powerful woman!
Consider how men might feel about all of this!
Consider how men might feel about all of this!

Common questions

Questions and answers about this topic!

Do men like “alpha females?”

Well, some do! It’s important that you connect with your loved one and ask them how they’re feeling about your behavior. Isn’t that what you would want, too? Alpha females are leadership figures. Good communication skills are strong traits of leaders.

Could I have career problems if I’m an alpha female?

It’s up to you, really. The workplace doesn’t need someone to bring their strong traits to the workplace. An alpha of any type is usually someone who provides support, understanding, leadership, and confidence. Those traits can come across as “too strong” in the workplace if someone isn’t careful, which could cause problems.

Is there a test I can take to see if I’m an alpha female?

Yes, try this one.

Fact checked:
Board reviewed by Marianne Tomlinson, LCSW (Couples and Family Therapy). Content is rigorously reviewed by a team of qualified and experienced fact checkers. Learn more.

About the author

Ryan Sanderson (LCSW) Ryan is a game and relationship enthusiast who enjoys all things quizzes, games, fun, love, relationships, and family. He's a licensed social worker and helps families, couples, and children in need. He's spoken about love and relationships on Salon.com, Forbes, and Mirror, to name a few.

Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.