Home / Relationships /

How Soon is Too Soon to Move In

I got asked the question, “Hey Ryan, how soon is too soon to move in together? When do we know that it’s the right time?”

It’s a great question! Moving in together is a huge step forward in any relationship! But how do we know when it’s time? Well… there are some signs that will tell you it’s the perfect time. Although, what you don’t read on the internet is that it can vary based on your age group.

Is it time to make the decision to move in together?

Before we dig in, my experience knowing “how soon is too soon—to move in”

I’ve never really lived with someone… I know this might come as a surprise. Since I’m discussing when the right time to move in could be. I’ve had many friends move in with their partners and significant others.

I also got the opportunity to watch a lot of the mistakes that got made. And I will happily share that the time for my partner and me to move in together is coming close.

Related: Questions for couples

Resources you should refer to before we ask, “is it too soon to move in?”

Here are a few resources you should read before we continue. The first one is the “3 questions” you should ask before you start cohabitation (or living together). Dr. Theresa DiDonato describes the three questions as follows:

  • Household negotiations: Who is going to do what and why? (Mostly around the house)
  • Relationship negotiations: Where will we live? What are our goals?
  • Communication negotiations: What are our communication styles throughout the course of the day?

Living together is 24/7… So there’s no time for you to have a cognitive break if you’re in need of one. What would that mean? Well, some people might “put on a better face” around their partner. When we live together, it’s 100% real, 100% of the time. It’s good to manage expectations. 

In addition, the last statistic that you should know is that premarital cohabitation is still the leading cause of divorce. Yikes! The Journal of Marriage and Family suggests that living together (probably too soon) could lead to a poor relationship. And they aren’t the only study: here’s a recent study and another from 2012.

How soon is too soon to move in together?
Study from Family Growth data about divorce rates and moving in “too soon”

Why am I telling you all of this? Here’s the thing…

It really comes down to communication. And before you start to look at the physical signs that it might be time for the relationship to take the next step, the reality is that you only need to communicate with your partner. And ask them.

But if you’re worried about starting the conversation before you know it’s time, then it’s good to look at some of these vital signs based on your age group.

See also: Thought-provoking questions for couples

Signs it could be time to move in together, ages 20 to 30…

If you’re in the age bracket of 20 to 30, here are some signs that it could be time to start thinking about moving in together:

1. It’s an option the two of you have—not always the best sign it’s time to move in, but a good one!

One sign is that the two of you will need each other financially. At this age group, the two of you might need to get together simply to “pay the bills.” And that’s okay! That’s a great sign that it could be a wonderful opportunity for you.

Expert tip: As I continue to mention other signs, remember that it still circles back to communication. For example, someone in their 20s is going to need to communicate about “going out” or “free time” and what that looks like for the two of you. One partner might not appreciate the other “being out late all nights of the week” if that’s your style!

Is it time to move in together or what?

2. The two of you have been together since high school…

If you’ve been together since you were young, then there’s a good chance that you know each other quite well. This could be a wonderful way to judge whether it’s time to think about moving in together.

See also: Conversation starters for couples

3. You have great communication skills—a strong sign it’s time to move in together

Communication skills in the early 20s to early 30s aren’t typically the best. As adults mature, one of the things that they continue to work on is their communication skills. If you and your partner are able to communicate in a uniquely effective way, this could be a good sign.

One way to judge this is whether communication styles change from the workplace to the home. They should be two different communication styles. And if the two of you know that and practice that—bingo! It could be time!

See also: Alpha female weaknesses

4. You seem to line up your goals…

It’s important to recognize that goals change in your 20s. But if your goals together and individually haven’t changed in a few years, that could be a strong sign that it’s time to move in together.

It is time to start thinking about moving in!?

5. You feel extremely comfortable with each other…

Let’s say that you’re always around each other right now. That you’re spending a little “too much” time together. If that’s the case, then it means that your comfort with each other is very strong. And that could be a great sign.

And I’ll go ahead and say it: if you’re “peeing” and “pooping” in front of each other—you’re comfortable enough to live together!

See also: Alpha female

Signs it could be time to move in together between your 30s and 40s…

If you’re between the age of 30 and 40, then life looks a little different. And the world is changing regarding age groups and when relationships mature. Studies show that many relationships are happening later in life.

Before you jump into the signs, remember to look at the commitments you both may have already made to your lives. 

For example:

  • Where do you both need to live for work? Could that change in the coming years or months?
  • Do the two of you have a home? If the two of you purchased a home individually, it’s going to be more difficult to decide where to live.
  • Does one of you have a child? When there’s a child in the discussion, it could get more challenging to navigate when and where to move.

All of these are merely queues and questions and talking points that you need to have with your partner. Not signs that you shouldn’t move in together!

1. You’re both very ready for the next step…

If you’re very ready for the next phase of life, the work that comes with it will seem less challenging. And if the two of you have communicated about your disappointment with not finding “the right person” in your 20s, then it could be a strong sign it could work out.

Remember, in your 30s, it gets a little harder (merely more work) to move in together. You have more “baggage,” both literally and figuratively.

2. You have a clear 2-5 year plan—a medium sign it’s time to move in together

Life changes all the time. And when people suggest that we all need a “5-year plan,” I think there a little bit disconnected from reality. We don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow! How is it possible to know what’s going to happen in 5 years?

As long as the two of you have a fairly stable plan for the future. Like knowing what will happen when things work or don’t work (for the two of you), it’s a great sign that you’re well prepared for anything.

3. You’re secure with insecurity—a mediocre but good sign it’s time to move in

The reality is that in your 30s, a lot is going to change. Life’s plans don’t always happen in the way that we expect them to. If the two of you are well-prepared with the idea that life is ever-changing, then it could be a strong sign that your relationship is solid.

How soon is too soon!?

4. Your maturity is at the age it should be

While this is probably clear for many people, for some, it’s not. Are you actually behaving like you’re in your 30s? Don’t settle for a partner who is stuck on acting like they are 25 years old… This is going to be a problem later down the road.

What are some signs of that? The biggest one is this: are they prioritizing friendships or work over you? Here’s the harsh reality—we all lose friends as we get older, but it’s okay!

5. Life seems somewhat stable—a strong sign its time!

If the two of you have been together for 3-6 months and life seems stable for the two of you. Meaning that the two of you seem to “have your life together,” which could be a strong sign that moving in is going to work out.

It’s very important that the two of you, at this age group, know how to live independently so that you can succeed living together.

How soon is too soon to live together in your 40s and 50s…

At this age group, life looks a lot different. For example, there’s a great chance that one of you already has children. And that the two of you are very comfortable with your lifestyle. Here’s the thing—you don’t need to live together. There are many couples in this age bracket that decide not living together is just fine for them.

But if you’re thinking about when it’s time to move in, here are some signs that it could be a good thing—if you’re in this age group!

1. It’s something you both appreciate—a strong sign it’s time to move in together!

Maybe the two of you have already lived with other people in the past. And discuss how it worked and how it didn’t work. That’s a strong sign of good communication around key parts of what makes cohabitation successful.

This could be a very strong sign of maturity.

Is it time to take the next step in the relationship?

2. You’re willing to do it

While it might seem obvious, it’s actually a stronger sign than you might think. Being “willing” to do this at this age group could be a strong sign. If one partner isn’t showing much interest in potentially living together, it could be a sign that it’s not going to happen.

3. You already spend a lot of time together

Much like in our 20s, if the two of you are spending overnights together and the connected family unit (maybe kids that live in the house with you) are all comfortable with the relationship—this could be a strong sign!

It’s best to wait until there’s a level of comfort for both yourselves and the entire family (primarily, if you have kids—which I’m assuming one of you probably does).

Is it too soon to take the plunge to live togehter?

4. Life is already well connected

If the two of you are doing activities together, work seems stable, and life feels like it’s slowed down—this could be a strong sign. Primarily, much like the sign above, the two of you are developing a level of comfort on a holistic level that seems to “just work.”

5. There’s no baggage left over

The reality is this—at this age, there’s going to be baggage from prior relationships. Whether it’s a previous marriage or even “too many past relationships,” baggage is going to be there. It’s impossible to assume that there won’t be any.

The key is to recognize that your baggage “fits together.” And that you’re both comfortable and okay with supporting each other with these prior wounds!

Is it time to take the plunge to living together?

How soon is too soon, when it comes to time together?

Okay, so this is probably how most people think about it… “We’ve been together for X months/X years, and is it too soon to move in together?” I gave you all the signs to look for. Whether you accomplish those in a month or 6-years, it’s all relative.

Although, if you had to put average times on it, here is what I would say the average would be:

  • 20s and 30s: Typically moves in together in 6-months to 1-year.
  • 30s and 40s: Typically moves in together after 1-year or 3-years.
  • 40s and 50s: Will be willing to move in together sooner if it’s working well, potentially never at all, or after 2-years.
  • 50s and above: It’s a roll of the dice. At this age group it’s very hard to have two highly-independent people decide to move in together—although it could happen!

Key takeaways and tips

Here are the biggest key takeaways from this and what you should be asking:

  • Ask the “3 questions” every relationship should ask before you decide it’s time to move in together. Know your reasons for why you’re moving in together.
  • Be willing to show adaptability with the relationship. What’s the most important to you? Is it yourself or the future of your relationship? By knowing this, the two of you can come together and accommodate your needs.
  • Think about what stage of life you’re in and how that’s having an impact on your decisions together—every decision to advance the relationship looks a little different based on your age bracket.
  • Communicate and communicate some more! It’s key to talk to each other. That’s the best way to know when you’re ready. If communication is a problem to begin with, it’s absolutely not the right time to move in—regardless of what age you are!

References:

  • Priem, J. S., Bailey, L. C., & Steuber Fazio, K. (2015). Sliding versus deciding: A theme analysis of deciding conversations of non-engaged cohabiting couples. Communication Quarterly, 63(5), 533–549. https://doi.org/10.1080/01463373.2015.1078388
  • Premarital cohabitation and marital dissolution … – wiley online library. (n.d.). Retrieved January 18, 2023, from https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.00960.x
  • Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sliding versus deciding: Inertia and the premarital cohabitation effect. Family Relations, 55(4), 499–509. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.17413729.2006.00418.x
  • Rosenfeld, M. J., & Roesler, K. (2019). Cohabitation experience and cohabitation’s association with marital dissolution. Journal of Marriage and Family, 81, 42– 58,
  • Owen, J., Rhoades, G. K., & Stanley, S. M. (2013). Sliding versus deciding in relationships: Associations with relationship quality, commitment, and infidelity. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 12(1), 135–149. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2013.779097
  • Brown, K. S., Schmidt, B., Morrow, C., & Rougeaux-Burnes, G. (2021). Pre-Cohabitation Conversations for Relationships: Recommended Questions for Discussion. Contemporary Family Therapy, 1-15.
  • Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009, February 1). Couples’ reasons for cohabitation: Associations with individual well-being and Relationship Quality. Journal of family issues. Retrieved January 18, 2023, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2743430/
  • Premarital cohabitation is still associated with greater odds of Divorce. Institute for Family Studies. (n.d.). Retrieved January 18, 2023, from https://ifstudies.org/blog/premarital-cohabitation-is-still-associated-with-greater-odds-of-divorce

Fact checked:
Board reviewed by Marianne Tomlinson, LCSW (Couples and Family Therapy). Content is rigorously reviewed by a team of qualified and experienced fact checkers. Learn more.

About the author

Ryan Sanderson (LCSW) Ryan is a game and relationship enthusiast who enjoys all things quizzes, games, fun, love, relationships, and family. He's a licensed social worker and helps families, couples, and children in need. He's spoken about love and relationships on Salon.com, Forbes, and Mirror, to name a few.

Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.